I remember sitting in premarital counseling talking about sexual expectations with Adam.
We had chosen to wait until we got married to have sex and needless to say the anticipation was killing us. I remember our counselor telling us the average married couple has sex two to three times per week.
Are you kidding me? I remember thinking. Why only two times a week? Those people are crazy. That will NOT be Adam and I. Two and a half years into marriage and now I absolutely understand this statistic.
In my pre-marriage mind, making love was a beautiful, romantic, and exciting thing. There’s no doubt that it is all of these things, but it also comes with a lot of baggage for most people. Our society has framed sexuality in such a way that it is difficult to separate the expression of making love from self-fulfillment.
Before marriage, Adam and I had to deal with sharing our histories. We had both given ourselves to people in unhealthy ways in the past whether it be physically or emotionally. There were a lot of tough conversations, tears, and apologies that we had to share in order to move forward.
I wish the past went away after one conversation but it doesn’t. These things have come up in the bedroom and it can be disappointing and difficult. It means that making love is not easy and carefree.
If we really want to tap into sex at its deepest level it is so much more than physical. It touches our souls and requires honesty, vulnerability and confession. It demands that we be naked and unashamed in front of each other physically, emotionally, and spiritually. It requires wanting each other’s best rather than wanting our own pleasure. It is hard and it can be draining.
After a long day of work or school I don’t think either of us comes home day in and day out ready to truly connect at a heart level. Let’s face it; it can be easier to just go through the motions. How was your day? Good. Good. But there is so much more for us if we are willing to put in the time and effort.
And let’s be clear, this is not meant to put a damper on sex. It is wonderful and there are times when it is playful and fun and filled with joy. But don’t be disappointed if this isn’t your daily reality.
It’s okay that it takes work. It doesn’t mean you married the wrong person. It doesn’t mean you aren’t “sexually compatible”. It means that you are both people who have experienced brokenness in the past. Don’t be ashamed if you are struggling.
God is in the business of making broken things beautiful and he can do that with your sexual life.
So what’s the point of all this? Making love with your spouse is supposed to be wonderful, why work through the hard stuff? Well first of all your sex life will probably improve which is a plus for obvious reasons. But more importantly your intimacy, communication, and ability to tackle problems together will grow. Culture tries to convince us that a passionate one night stand is the epitome of sexuality.
I say the epitome of sexuality is knowing your partner deeply and choosing to embrace them fully. To look into their eyes knowing their past, their struggles, their dreams, and what you have overcome together and to choose them again and again.
Any thoughts? We would love to hear your story. Comment or email or something like that below.